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Year Three, Day 4: That Inexplicable Spark

My wonderful roommate (and boss) asked  me about "D" the other night. I am so flattered - she reads my blog everyday!

But she said she was confused, because a few months back, I talked about a bus driver named "D".

"Are there two "D"s?", she asked.

She actually had to REMIND me of the previous "D" the driver, with the dog.

"OH!"

He was just a twinkle in my eye. Never heard from him or saw him again once he changed routes. I think I misread the situation. And am MOST embarrassed that I gave him my card the day before he changed to a different route.

But "D2", I am interested in. Although, I have decided it would not be healthy for me to pursue him.  Easily obsessed am I!

I am just going to live my life. If something evolves, something evolves!

Besides, there is an "R".

No, not THAT R! Not "H Formally Known as R" (Because, he used a phony name...arrrr).  He did flatter me. It was fun for awhile, until I realized I was being played.

No, he is ancient history.

The NEW R, is not even a bus driver. Can you believe it?!!

But a very nice man.  I enjoy talking to him. And he has told me that he is single. He stops by my church office usually once a week when he is at a meeting.  He actually comes in and sits and talks to me.  It is nice. He is nice.  I like nice. I think I am way over drama and tension. I've had enough for one lifetime, thank you very much!

He came in today.

We didn't have much time to chat. It's been busy lately.


Plus, I am still preoccupied with worries about my son. He was due in court this morning.

I am trying to become an unenabler.  In other words, cut the cord, let him be an adult, let him make his own mistakes, and hopefully learn from them.

It is difficult. Because deep down, I feel I am the cause of his struggle in life. I failed him somehow in his early years.

But I have prayed. I have talked to people who I respect and trust. They pretty much all say the same thing.

I prayed a lot this morning. Then I called him to remind him about his court date. Luckily his phone went to voicemail.  He does not need his mother to remind him about everything!

Later this morning, I got a text message from his girlfriend. My son's phone was dead and she said they were on the way downtown to the courthouse. I thanked her for letting me know. She said they called to confirm, but the office was at lunch. She wasn't sure they knew where to go. I sent her the info via text and wished them luck.

Then I said another prayer and got on with my day.

A few hours later, I as at the bus stop. I heard from them again. Court went well. He had a compassionate judge who gave him a second chance. He is due back in a few months. I breathed a sign of relief.

I put my phone away and looked up and there was "R"! He was taking the same bus as me. We had a nice casual talk on the short ride we shared together.

He is very nice.  I keep saying that.  Nice...He might be a nice friend.  But, honestly, I am more intrigued by "D".  We seem to have more in common, more depth in our communication and that inexplicable spark.

But I am not attached to any outcome.  I honestly enjoy having several male friends with a slight possibility of something else.  But not pushing or acting on it right away.  I would love to see a friendship slowly develop into a relationship, naturally.

Is that possible? Friendship with a spark, developing into love, while maintaining the spark? And keeping the friendship?

I will never lose hope.

I am at my library office.  I need to run to teach a student and then go to choir practice.


to be continued... 

Ok. I'm back. It's 10:27.

I had a lot of time to think.  About that spark.  And it occurred to me that right now, at age 55, I am finally letting the real me out.

I was thinking about my social awkwardness.  How I get exhausted after social events.


And I recalled a phrase that used to go through my head when I was younger.  Actually for most of my life until recently.

"I don't know how to act".

I no longer need to act.  I need to be!

 
There is another one coming up. A social event. Our choir potluck/party. I am actually looking forward to it.  This is a group of people I have shared music, hard work and laughter with for over 15 years.  I feel comfortable with them.  This will be a good opportunity to break the chain of my social phobia.

One of the greatest blessings I have in my life are people who have been there for many years, or even my whole life who accept the real me. Funky, moody, shy, borderline socially unacceptable me!

The reason I think the dating sites never worked for me, is that I would plan how I would be in advance.  The meetings would be superficial and contrived.

Done with that.

I think I am ok with letting the real me out. And if someone sees me, as I am and we connect with that inexplicable spark, then life will be that much more enjoyable.

I think letting go of hovering over my son is going to be freeing.  It is difficult. He may sink, he may swim. He may just tread water for awhile.  I love him. But I am reading to really get back to living my life.

If someone comes along that makes the journey more pleasant, for however long, that would be lovely.

But no more compromises.

No more regrets.

No more hiding.

No more acting.

Just me.

And I am pretty frikkin' cool just the way I am!

Talk to you tomorrow.

Happy Tuesday!

Love,

Zita



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