Skip to main content

Day 144: Forgiveness

Forgiving myself is a good first step!

I thought a lot about my disappointment in myself yesterday.  I sat on the bus, looking out at the beautiful autumn sky.  I breathed deeply.  Trying to let go.  I have always been my harshest critic.

Aside from my father, that is.

Then it dawned on me.  Yesterday (September 29th) was my father's birthday.  We are not close.  It's easier that way. He was unkind to us when we were little.  He seems to have mellowed with age. But we are awkward around each other.

Thank God for texting! I pulled out my phone and texted "Happy Birthday Grandpa" to my mother's phone. He does not do phones.  I've noticed it's easier calling him Grandpa. That's who he is now. He was never "Dad".

But he is. My dad. He is now 75.  Maybe this is why the last week has been so rough.  I never have really gotten over not having a loving father.  That is probably why I pray so much. My heavenly Father more than makes up for my earthly father. 

That is why the Catholic church also appeals to me. I feel nurtured there.  The priests, especially the Jesuits are strong and fatherly. Spiritual and intellectual.  And the faith has the element of ancient ritual that really appeals to me on a deep level.

Anyway, I took the above picture after I texted the Happy Birthday message. My mom said he said "thank you". They had gone out for lunch.

I felt a deep, wave of peace move through my entire body and settle in my chest.  I think I can start letting go.  And I can start forgiving myself, and even love myself.  I thought I had forgiven my dad years ago. But reaching out a bit doesn't hurt.  Not sure how much I can do.  He doesn't reach back much. But for now, I feel at peace.

And on a lighter "note", last night was the first choir practice of the term for the group I accompany at the music center.  There was a big turnout.  It felt wonderful to be amongst people who love music. And who have a history together.

And who tell me I've lost weight and have "gotten all skinny"! Most of them have not seen me for at least four months.

I practically skipped home singing, "I'm skinny! They said I'm skinny!"

Happy Wednesday! :)


Popular posts from this blog

Year Three, Day 134: The Charmed Life of a Commuting Grandma

I just discovered that the Starbucks at Cascades Station stays open until 10:00 p.m. every night.

Just when I was wanting to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Being a commuting grandma really is not that difficult. Actually, my life pretty much rocks right now!

Today has been a very good day. And I had maybe 3 hours of solid sleep last night. The Burrito has decided she likes to sleep cuddled in the arms of her Great Grandma Blanche or Grandma Zita during the day. Or snuggled safe in her infant seat while her mom, grandma and great grandma go out to lunch, do laundry and go shopping.

I warned my daughter that the
Baby Burrito needed some awake time yesterday. Or else we would pay for it in the evening. But getting so much done with a snoozing baby in tow was so freeing. Especially since Baby Burrito's dad is elk hunting all weekend.

We finally roused her for a bath, diaper change and piano lesson early afternoon.

Baby Burrito had a fantastic first piano lesson. At…

Year Three, Day 236: Memories of Food

Well, I ALMOST got on the treadmill today!

I planned on it. I actually had a very productive morning. I woke up super early, but it was cold and I knew I would be exhausted if I actually got vertical at 4:47 a.m. So I stayed in bed and checked emails, and played a few games of Words with Friends.

I drifted off again, and finally got out of bed at 9:30.  I did my prayer, journaling, bible study and reading from my Joyce Meyer Book. (The Mind Connection). I have only one more chapter to read and I am finished with the book! At which point, I plan on going back to the beginning and rereading the whole thing. It is that good!

I did my morning hoop. It was a crisp, cold morning, but no wind. I had a good workout. Then I practiced a bit of piano and did some piano lesson planning for my students.

I had planned on grabbing a quick lunch and then hopping on the Max to the gym where I would hop on the treadmill, hop in the jacuzzi and then grab a quick shower before my students.

The bus that g…

Year Three, Day 261: The Belligerent Man, The Bus Driver, and the Woman in a Poncho

I just had a most entertaining bus ride!

I had just gotten of the Max at the Hollywood Transit Center. I was coming down the steps, when I saw the #75 to Milwaukie entering the parking lot. That was my transfer bus!  I didn't want to miss it, because at this time of day, it might be a 20 minute wait until the next one.

I had just come from a lovely sushi lunch with  my daughter and Baby Gracie at Cascades Station.

The plan was for me to teach my piano students and then return to Vancouver tonight. My daughter has much work to do at home and we all know that working at home with a 5 month old baby is a bit of an oxymoron!

Anyway, I hurried down the stairs, being very mindful. The steps were slippery in the Portland drizzle. Slipping and falling would kind of put a cramp in my day.

I slowed down when I noticed there was a long line of passengers waiting to board. At the end of the line was an older, distinguished looking gentleman.  He was wearing a long overcoat and hat.  He nodded…