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Day 144: Forgiveness

Forgiving myself is a good first step!

I thought a lot about my disappointment in myself yesterday.  I sat on the bus, looking out at the beautiful autumn sky.  I breathed deeply.  Trying to let go.  I have always been my harshest critic.

Aside from my father, that is.

Then it dawned on me.  Yesterday (September 29th) was my father's birthday.  We are not close.  It's easier that way. He was unkind to us when we were little.  He seems to have mellowed with age. But we are awkward around each other.

Thank God for texting! I pulled out my phone and texted "Happy Birthday Grandpa" to my mother's phone. He does not do phones.  I've noticed it's easier calling him Grandpa. That's who he is now. He was never "Dad".

But he is. My dad. He is now 75.  Maybe this is why the last week has been so rough.  I never have really gotten over not having a loving father.  That is probably why I pray so much. My heavenly Father more than makes up for my earthly father. 

That is why the Catholic church also appeals to me. I feel nurtured there.  The priests, especially the Jesuits are strong and fatherly. Spiritual and intellectual.  And the faith has the element of ancient ritual that really appeals to me on a deep level.

Anyway, I took the above picture after I texted the Happy Birthday message. My mom said he said "thank you". They had gone out for lunch.

I felt a deep, wave of peace move through my entire body and settle in my chest.  I think I can start letting go.  And I can start forgiving myself, and even love myself.  I thought I had forgiven my dad years ago. But reaching out a bit doesn't hurt.  Not sure how much I can do.  He doesn't reach back much. But for now, I feel at peace.


And on a lighter "note", last night was the first choir practice of the term for the group I accompany at the music center.  There was a big turnout.  It felt wonderful to be amongst people who love music. And who have a history together.

And who tell me I've lost weight and have "gotten all skinny"! Most of them have not seen me for at least four months.

I practically skipped home singing, "I'm skinny! They said I'm skinny!"

Happy Wednesday! :)

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