I am feeling a shift. Not sure exactly how to explain it just yet.
But I am feeling more focused. Especially in my piano practice. My mind is almost fully grounded in the present moment when I practice. I am more aware of musical patterns and conscious of fingering and phrasing. My memory has improved too.
I am curious how this came about. But mostly I am feeling very grateful!
I mentioned this phenomenon to my daughter. She suggested that spending time with Baby Grace has made me be more present in the moment.
Yes, I believe that is a big part of it! Baby Grace is my absolute priority right now. Even when she is at her crankiest, time spent with her is totally fulfilling. And worth the sacrifice.
I believe relief has caused my anxious mind to calm down. I see my daughter blossoming in new motherhood. I see Baby Grace growing in love and plumping up with all that wholesome mother's milk. I see her father embrace his role. I see my mother in her great grandma role. I see my father, his eyes wide with wonder as he holds his great grandbaby in his trembling Parkinson's inflicted hands.
I see love flowing through our family. Through this precious baby girl!
Grace has brought many gifts to us. And in order to be able to help care for her, I have removed distractions from my life. Distractions that I am now seeing have been a form of escape from life. My whole life. I have spent so much time escaping what I perceived as painful reality.
My biggest escape was in the form of books. I have always loved books. So much, that walking into a library or book store would send me running to the bathroom, sick to my stomach. Even now, at age 55, I have to breathe slowly in through my nose and out through my mouth to control my nervous stomach in the libary. And I go several times a week!
I am glad my mother talked me out of going to college to pursue a Masters in Library Science. I would have never made it out of the bathroom!
Before the internet, and my Kindle, I would never go anywhere without my bag full of books. At home, I had a stack at the table. I would read while I ate. Read in bed. Read on the bus. Read while watching television!
So I was never really there. I also loved magazines. I spent much of my time as a single mom reading recipes. Usually while I was eating. No wonder I gained so much weight!
Another escapism for me was obviously food. I would eat while watching television, while reading books, and even in bed! Especially crunchy snacks, like crackers, chips and popcorn.
Television used to be a distraction for me. I would go in cycles. If I found a series I got hooked on, I would binge watch. Or I would find an actor I was obsessing over and watch everything he ever acted in.
All of these distractions, were ways of me escaping my perceived stressful life. But in essence, it made my life more stressful.
Oh, and how could I forget the internet? No wonder they call it the "world wide web". Once I get on and start Googling, browsing, chatting or social networking, you get caught in a web that leads you into an alternate reality that at times ate up hours of my day!
Thankfully, I have this penchant for self improvement. Years ago, I told myself I did not want to need anything to get me through the day. No coffee, drug, alcohol or anything else to live. But along the way, I have been overtaken by my addictions. I even fell victim to video poker as a young, single mother. The hook was I innocently put in a few dollars once and instantly won $80. It started a cycle that I am not proud of, except to say I finally got tough on myself and kicked the habit.
Today, after my last student of the day at the church, I sat down to practice. And I loved every present moment. Every single note! I did not have anxious, worrying thoughts. It was incredible!
I also did something that truly amazed me. It may not sound like much, but instead of rummaging in the kitchen for an old mug and heating up water in the microwave for tea on my break, I went next door to the Chinese market. And I bought myself a sweet little tea pot, tea cup and bowl for my lunch. And then I actually sat myself a place in the break room and had a lovely lunch. Instead of just scarfing something down. I pampered myself.
And it pleased me!
I have been making a mad dash to the Chinese market next door to the church nearly every Saturday for years to grab a snack. I usually just smiled and said "Thank you" to the cashier. The same young lady who has rung up my purchases every week.
But today, we had a real conversation! I told her the teapot I found did not have a price tag on it. She looked at the sad little pot I had picked and hesitantly suggested we go back to the shelf. She said there was a pot that matched my cup. So we walked back together, and sure enough, a lovely little white teapot with blue fish - just like the tea cup I had selected randomly. She saw how happy I was and she stood there grinning.
Suddenly I felt like I had made a new friend. Over a teapot!
It is the little things in life. Really it is!
After my practice session I walked out the door into a lovely, warm fall evening. I decided to go out for Pho. I sat there, drinking my tea, looking out the window. Feeling most calm!
"Who is this person?", I asked myself. I almost didn't recognize me!
But then I backslid a bit. My soup arrived and I pulled out a restaurant guide that Willamette Week publishes. The "Best of Portland", complete with many glossy, colorful pictures and in depth descriptions of the best dishes the finest restaurants in Portland had to offer. I felt myself being pulled in as I mindless shoveled pho in my mouth.
But then my heart started racing. And I felt ashamed.
I have come so far in my quest for living the most vital life possible.
I must not regress! I pulled out my Joyce Meyer book, The Mind Connection, and read more positive, uplifting, life affirming words from this woman who is another vital piece of the puzzle that is the wonder of my present moment self!
Positive thinking is a huge key for me. I resolved to always read uplifting books. Years ago, when I read everything I could get my hands on, I was heavily into horror, especially Stephen King. I got pissed off at him after the book Misery, however. That book was just sickening. I moved on to Dean Koontz. At least he usually had a happy ending.
The adrenaline rush I got from reading horror gave me just the excitement and escape I thought I needed.
But after I had children, I couldn't read horror anymore. I gave all my books away. They gave me nightmares and increased my anxiety over the safety of my kids.
I know I sound rather extreme. I am not saying I will never read fiction again. I love to read! But trying to purge myself of obsessive escapist tactics. Attempting to find balance. And enjoy being discipline and focused. Especially with my exercise, piano practice, spiritual practice, caring for my family and teaching!
If there is time left after that, I will allow myself an occasional novel or movie.
But no ridiculous television! Lately, even the news has gotten on every single one of my nerves. No depth! Mostly inane silliness!
Perhaps I am turning into an old fuddy duddy. But I like myself!
My plan tomorrow has me a little excited and fearful. But since I am feeling so balanced and pretty motivated, I am going to move forward with my running goal.
Tomorrow I am going to run at the track in the morning, do a hoop session and then practice my piano. My daughter and her husband and Baby Grace went to church tonight, so they don't need me to babysit until tomorrow evening. I am going to play hookie from church. I will spend time in prayer and bible study to make up for it. I know God will forgive me.
I have a concert coming up. I had such a fantastic experience with the chamber group last week, that I want to stay focused and not get nervous, distracted or let the paralyzing procrastination set in. I am looking forward to this concert. And I want to be as prepared as possible, so that I can enjoy it as much as the audience!
This is kind of a rambling blog, but I wanted to get these thoughts out. They strike me as quite profound!
Speaking of which, I think another reason I am so focused is my game of "Words with Friends" has improved. I hesitated to mention it, because if I do have any addiction right now, that is it!
So I am limiting my game playing to when I wait for the bus, when I am at lunch, or if I have insomnia at night. I am being careful not to let it take over. If it is, well there is always that uninstall button!
Don't you wish we could sometimes press and uninstall button for some negative behaviors we acquired? Like perhaps insatiable craving for salty, crunchy food, especially potato chips?
UNINSTALL!
On that note, I am heading to bed.
Happy Saturday, my friends!
Talk to you tomorrow.
At which time I WILL be reporting about my morning run!
Love,
Zita
P.S. Today was day 133 of my daily hooping experiment. I am hoping my daily running will kick me up to the next level of my physical fitness. My scale has been stuck at 180 for far too long!
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