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Year Three, Day 161: The Looming Abyss




I am having a low day. I have been faking this smile all day. It is not difficult to put on a happy face for my students, but now it feels good to let go.  And say hello to the blues.



It's been awhile. But I recognize my old friend, depression. She is disguised as irritation today. But I see through her facade.

Because I can feel the looming dark abyss behind my heart. And unshed tears behind my eyes.

I am wondering if the Prednisone is a factor. I am quite certain it is playing a part. Prednisone works like espresso to the 4th power in my system. Amazingly I fall asleep easily, but last night I awake several times with vivid nightmares.

My heart was thudding rapidly and I had broken out in a cold sweat. It was difficult to go back to sleep after such a rude awakening.

I did get a nice hoop session in today. And productive piano practice before I headed out to teach. But I've felt off all day.

Heart still racing, and a vague feeling of impending doom is plaguing my thoughts.

I've been here before. I am no stranger to depression, anxiety and feelings of impending doom. Funny thing is, the doom does not usually arrive immediately after these episodes.

No, doom usually blindsides me on an otherwise happy-go-lucky day. That's how doom works. You finally stop worrying, relax and inhale - and BOOM - DOOM!

Most dramatic am I!

I am o.k. I am sitting in a Burger King after work. I have my Joyce Meyer books, my Bible and my prayer journal stacked on the table. I just finished eating a comfirting meal of a bible as Whopper on a rice cake and a small fries.

Given my current state of being, I also ordered a small caramel sundae. It helped.

I am going to do some reading, praying and reflecting. And look at pictures of my grandbaby.

She always makes me smile.

This little storm cloud will pass. Tomorrow is a new day. And tomorrow evening I am playing in a chamber music concert. I am quite prepared. And it will give me an excuse to dress up. After the concert, I will have a bit of down time. Before I prepare for my next performance.

I am feeling the need to go to the little bible based church I often attended before Gracie Belly was born. I might go Sunday.

But now, I need to have a heart to heart talk. With my best friend, Jesus.

I wish you a happy Friday.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Love,

Zita

P.S. Here is today's hooping video. Day 125!


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