Skip to main content

Year Three, Day 161: The Looming Abyss

I am having a low day. I have been faking this smile all day. It is not difficult to put on a happy face for my students, but now it feels good to let go.  And say hello to the blues.

It's been awhile. But I recognize my old friend, depression. She is disguised as irritation today. But I see through her facade.

Because I can feel the looming dark abyss behind my heart. And unshed tears behind my eyes.

I am wondering if the Prednisone is a factor. I am quite certain it is playing a part. Prednisone works like espresso to the 4th power in my system. Amazingly I fall asleep easily, but last night I awake several times with vivid nightmares.

My heart was thudding rapidly and I had broken out in a cold sweat. It was difficult to go back to sleep after such a rude awakening.

I did get a nice hoop session in today. And productive piano practice before I headed out to teach. But I've felt off all day.

Heart still racing, and a vague feeling of impending doom is plaguing my thoughts.

I've been here before. I am no stranger to depression, anxiety and feelings of impending doom. Funny thing is, the doom does not usually arrive immediately after these episodes.

No, doom usually blindsides me on an otherwise happy-go-lucky day. That's how doom works. You finally stop worrying, relax and inhale - and BOOM - DOOM!

Most dramatic am I!

I am o.k. I am sitting in a Burger King after work. I have my Joyce Meyer books, my Bible and my prayer journal stacked on the table. I just finished eating a comfirting meal of a bible as Whopper on a rice cake and a small fries.

Given my current state of being, I also ordered a small caramel sundae. It helped.

I am going to do some reading, praying and reflecting. And look at pictures of my grandbaby.

She always makes me smile.

This little storm cloud will pass. Tomorrow is a new day. And tomorrow evening I am playing in a chamber music concert. I am quite prepared. And it will give me an excuse to dress up. After the concert, I will have a bit of down time. Before I prepare for my next performance.

I am feeling the need to go to the little bible based church I often attended before Gracie Belly was born. I might go Sunday.

But now, I need to have a heart to heart talk. With my best friend, Jesus.

I wish you a happy Friday.

Talk to you tomorrow.



P.S. Here is today's hooping video. Day 125!


Popular posts from this blog

Year Three, Day 236: Memories of Food

Well, I ALMOST got on the treadmill today!

I planned on it. I actually had a very productive morning. I woke up super early, but it was cold and I knew I would be exhausted if I actually got vertical at 4:47 a.m. So I stayed in bed and checked emails, and played a few games of Words with Friends.

I drifted off again, and finally got out of bed at 9:30.  I did my prayer, journaling, bible study and reading from my Joyce Meyer Book. (The Mind Connection). I have only one more chapter to read and I am finished with the book! At which point, I plan on going back to the beginning and rereading the whole thing. It is that good!

I did my morning hoop. It was a crisp, cold morning, but no wind. I had a good workout. Then I practiced a bit of piano and did some piano lesson planning for my students.

I had planned on grabbing a quick lunch and then hopping on the Max to the gym where I would hop on the treadmill, hop in the jacuzzi and then grab a quick shower before my students.

The bus that g…

Year Three, Day 261: The Belligerent Man, The Bus Driver, and the Woman in a Poncho

I just had a most entertaining bus ride!

I had just gotten of the Max at the Hollywood Transit Center. I was coming down the steps, when I saw the #75 to Milwaukie entering the parking lot. That was my transfer bus!  I didn't want to miss it, because at this time of day, it might be a 20 minute wait until the next one.

I had just come from a lovely sushi lunch with  my daughter and Baby Gracie at Cascades Station.

The plan was for me to teach my piano students and then return to Vancouver tonight. My daughter has much work to do at home and we all know that working at home with a 5 month old baby is a bit of an oxymoron!

Anyway, I hurried down the stairs, being very mindful. The steps were slippery in the Portland drizzle. Slipping and falling would kind of put a cramp in my day.

I slowed down when I noticed there was a long line of passengers waiting to board. At the end of the line was an older, distinguished looking gentleman.  He was wearing a long overcoat and hat.  He nodded…

Year Three, Day 225: Hallelujah

I am sitting alone at a Starbucks in Vancouver, Washington. A most moving rendition of Hallelujah, sung by Pentatonix is flowing through the speakers, and into my heart.

I can't remember ever feeling so content. Soon I will walk out into the snow and catch a bus to my daughter's house where she, her husband and Baby Gracie are getting ready for dinner.

Our traditional Christmas Eve pho was cancelled. So was the candlelight service at their church.

Snow on Christmas Eve! So lovely. And so wonderful that I have been given this gift of solitude. No place I need to be, but family who I love and who loves me, always welcoming each other.

Salmon encrusted with herbs at McGraths Fish House We started a new tradition yesterday after my homeless concert. Girl lunch at McGraths Fish House with my daughter, Baby Gracie, my mother and I. We had a wonderful time. It's my mother's favorite lunch spot in Vancouver. I followed her lead and ordered the salmon encrusted with herbs. It d…