Skip to main content

Year Three, Day 295: That Deep, Aching Emptiness

I did it! I achieved my goal in Words With Friends, earned a hundred points, and promptly uninstalled the app from my cell phone!

I felt victorious at first. Elated even!

And, as an added bonus my cell phone is running much better!

But then a feeling of panic set in.

And an intense sadness came over me. I felt tears behind my eyes and a tightness in my chest.

I recognized this feeling. It was similar to when I had finished binge watching a television series.  An emptiness inside. A feeling of finality.

All day long I felt a little raw.  I think the game was like a drug for me.  Cushioning me from the realty of life.

I know this sounds a bit overly dramatic, but it feels very real to me.

It is almost like the feeling I got when a relationship was over.

That deep, aching emptiness. Did my obsession with the game create this pain? Or was it covering up something that was there all along?

I am just so thankful that I never developed an addiction to a harmful substance. Like cigarettes, alcohol or drugs.

This has been a difficult weekend. Baby Gracie is out of town with her parents. I thought I would welcome the extra time, but suddenly I feel a bit lonely. Strange. I usually cherish extra me time.

Now I just wish I had my granddaughter here to take care of.

I spent a little time with my son today. It was bitter sweet. I worry about him. I want to fix his life. On the other hand, I want him to know he's loved. Just as he is. I know he is the only one who can make any lasting changes.

After we hugged and parted, I hopped on a bus. I was feeling sad. I wanted to get out my phone and numb my feelings with Words with Friends. But I remembered I had uninstalled it earlier.

A man sitting across the aisle struck up a conversation with me about the weather. I welcomed the diversion. He was very sweet. About my age. A nice smile. Somehiw the conversation turned to addiction. He told me he was 76 months clean and sober.

I did a double take.

"76 months did you say...or 76 weeks?" I asked.

"Months", he smiled.

"Congratulations", I said raising my hand up to give him a high five. "How did you do it? Do you go to meetings?" I asked.

"No ma'am. I just started talking sense to myself. Everyday I tell myself I don't like that drug. I don't want to spend money on it. I don't like who I am when I am using. And I can get a better high on living healthy".

"I agree", I smiled. "Except for an occasional cup of coffee".

We both laughed. He told me he practically lived at Starbucks.

"Me too!" I exclaimed. "But I try to limit the sugar".

My new friend nodded. He said he was too familiar with the sugar buzz leading to the crash later on.

My stop was coming up. Ironically, I was going to Starbucks to read and catch up on my email.

My friend waved at me and said he hoped we would run into each other again.

I hope we do too.

And just think, if I had been immersed in my game,  I would have missed out on a lovely conversation.

And perhaps that is really what is missing from my life. Conversation.

On that note, I wish you a lovely evening.

Talk to you tomorrow!



P.S. Here is today's hooping video. Day 254!


Popular posts from this blog

Year Three, Day 236: Memories of Food

Well, I ALMOST got on the treadmill today!

I planned on it. I actually had a very productive morning. I woke up super early, but it was cold and I knew I would be exhausted if I actually got vertical at 4:47 a.m. So I stayed in bed and checked emails, and played a few games of Words with Friends.

I drifted off again, and finally got out of bed at 9:30.  I did my prayer, journaling, bible study and reading from my Joyce Meyer Book. (The Mind Connection). I have only one more chapter to read and I am finished with the book! At which point, I plan on going back to the beginning and rereading the whole thing. It is that good!

I did my morning hoop. It was a crisp, cold morning, but no wind. I had a good workout. Then I practiced a bit of piano and did some piano lesson planning for my students.

I had planned on grabbing a quick lunch and then hopping on the Max to the gym where I would hop on the treadmill, hop in the jacuzzi and then grab a quick shower before my students.

The bus that g…

Year Three, Day 261: The Belligerent Man, The Bus Driver, and the Woman in a Poncho

I just had a most entertaining bus ride!

I had just gotten of the Max at the Hollywood Transit Center. I was coming down the steps, when I saw the #75 to Milwaukie entering the parking lot. That was my transfer bus!  I didn't want to miss it, because at this time of day, it might be a 20 minute wait until the next one.

I had just come from a lovely sushi lunch with  my daughter and Baby Gracie at Cascades Station.

The plan was for me to teach my piano students and then return to Vancouver tonight. My daughter has much work to do at home and we all know that working at home with a 5 month old baby is a bit of an oxymoron!

Anyway, I hurried down the stairs, being very mindful. The steps were slippery in the Portland drizzle. Slipping and falling would kind of put a cramp in my day.

I slowed down when I noticed there was a long line of passengers waiting to board. At the end of the line was an older, distinguished looking gentleman.  He was wearing a long overcoat and hat.  He nodded…

Year Four, Day 31: Sleep Business

I did it! I survived my sleep study.
It was quite intense. I think my expectations were a bit skewed. I was envisioning more like a mini retreat.  
It was all business. Sleep business.
And the minute the lights went out and the door shut behind the sleep technician as she whispered, "good night", I went into full panic mode.
Luckily I was really tired.  She had asked if I wanted to watch a bit of television before I fell asleep. But I declined. I knew to take advantage of the heavy lidded, dull brained feeling I had when I was really sleepy. Television might wake up my brain.
As she was attaching my electrodes, I watched a show on Animal Planet called "Lone Star Law", about Texas game wardens. I was hooked!  It was fascinating. I rarely watch tv, and we don't have cable at home, thankfully.  But this show drew me in. In retrospect, I should have continued to watch it until I fell asleep.
Something about being hooked up, tucked in, lights off, door closing, fel…