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Year Three, Day 295: That Deep, Aching Emptiness

I did it! I achieved my goal in Words With Friends, earned a hundred points, and promptly uninstalled the app from my cell phone!

I felt victorious at first. Elated even!

And, as an added bonus my cell phone is running much better!

But then a feeling of panic set in.

And an intense sadness came over me. I felt tears behind my eyes and a tightness in my chest.

I recognized this feeling. It was similar to when I had finished binge watching a television series.  An emptiness inside. A feeling of finality.

All day long I felt a little raw.  I think the game was like a drug for me.  Cushioning me from the realty of life.

I know this sounds a bit overly dramatic, but it feels very real to me.

It is almost like the feeling I got when a relationship was over.

That deep, aching emptiness. Did my obsession with the game create this pain? Or was it covering up something that was there all along?

I am just so thankful that I never developed an addiction to a harmful substance. Like cigarettes, alcohol or drugs.

This has been a difficult weekend. Baby Gracie is out of town with her parents. I thought I would welcome the extra time, but suddenly I feel a bit lonely. Strange. I usually cherish extra me time.

Now I just wish I had my granddaughter here to take care of.

I spent a little time with my son today. It was bitter sweet. I worry about him. I want to fix his life. On the other hand, I want him to know he's loved. Just as he is. I know he is the only one who can make any lasting changes.

After we hugged and parted, I hopped on a bus. I was feeling sad. I wanted to get out my phone and numb my feelings with Words with Friends. But I remembered I had uninstalled it earlier.

A man sitting across the aisle struck up a conversation with me about the weather. I welcomed the diversion. He was very sweet. About my age. A nice smile. Somehiw the conversation turned to addiction. He told me he was 76 months clean and sober.

I did a double take.

"76 months did you say...or 76 weeks?" I asked.

"Months", he smiled.

"Congratulations", I said raising my hand up to give him a high five. "How did you do it? Do you go to meetings?" I asked.

"No ma'am. I just started talking sense to myself. Everyday I tell myself I don't like that drug. I don't want to spend money on it. I don't like who I am when I am using. And I can get a better high on living healthy".

"I agree", I smiled. "Except for an occasional cup of coffee".

We both laughed. He told me he practically lived at Starbucks.

"Me too!" I exclaimed. "But I try to limit the sugar".

My new friend nodded. He said he was too familiar with the sugar buzz leading to the crash later on.

My stop was coming up. Ironically, I was going to Starbucks to read and catch up on my email.

My friend waved at me and said he hoped we would run into each other again.

I hope we do too.

And just think, if I had been immersed in my game,  I would have missed out on a lovely conversation.

And perhaps that is really what is missing from my life. Conversation.

On that note, I wish you a lovely evening.

Talk to you tomorrow!

Love,

Zits

P.S. Here is today's hooping video. Day 254!





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