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Day 166: I Just Am

There is a lot of information floating around about diet and nutrition.  I mean, so much that it just boggles my mind.

A few years ago, I felt very unhealthy.  I actually passed out (on the sofa) after eating a big Thanksgiving feast at my brother's house.

After that day, I was convinced that my diet was too high in fat.  I began reading.  (Well continued reading. I am a reader!)

I found a lot of written information to support my hypothesis that my diet was too high in fat. And well, so was my body!

I stopped using mayo, cut back on all meat and dairy and processed food. 

I felt a bit better. Honestly, anytime I take charge of my lifestyle I start feeling better I dropped a pound or two.

Then I started thinking about meat.  I've long wondered why in the world we need to eat animals.  It seems so violent. That a living being needs to die for us to live. But I never thought I had the discipline to actually give up eating meat.

So I read some more books.  Watched some movies.  Forks over Knives. The China Study. Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. There are more. You can find some vegan documentaries here:

I bought some wonderful cookbooks that I still use even though I am again eating meat.  One of my favorites still is Appetite for Reduction by Isa Chandra Moskowitz. 

 I went vegetarian for almost 3 years. Vegan for about 1 year.  I felt really proud of myself and pure spiritually.  And I loved the creative recipes!

I miss being a vegan. I miss saying "I am vegan."  

However, I did not lose much weight.  And I did not feel that great physically. 

I am always saying I need to exercise more.  I have walked regularly for many years.  Not really a walk. More like a saunter.  I still need to exercise more. But my walks are faster. And I get some stretching in everyday and on most days, some push-ups.  Need more weight training!

Need to work on the sleep issue. 

Obviously, I still don't know if I have the answer. Going gluten free has been really difficult.  I see so much wheat wherever I go. 

But I was truly inspired by the book Wheat Belly that my friend recommended.  I have noticed more difference in my health and weight since giving up wheat than any other attempt at weight loss and nutrition.   So for now, I am staying with it.

I think one thing I am learning about myself is I tend to be an all or nothing thinker. And I seem to function better when I plan ahead and give myself rules and parameters. 

But I'm not sure if I am happier.  Maybe happiness is over rated. 

One big improvement in my life that I have made is to discontinue recreational eating. Especially late at night.  Now that I rarely eat anything after about 7:00 p.m., I am forced to really look at myself. I mean I was numbing myself by shoving food in my face before! (Especially buttered popcorn!)

When I feel low (like today), my desired comfort buffer would be a cheeseburger, french fries, diet coke and a magazine at a fast food restaurant.

I almost did that. Today. About an hour ago. I was playing that old tape in my head: "You need this. You deserve this. It will make you feel better. Just for today."

But I stopped the tape. I ripped that sucker right outta my brain! I said no.  Instead, I stopped for brown rice and chicken curry with ice water. And another Stephen White novel. On my Kindle this time. Not the same as a paperback.

Am I happy now? No. I am sad today.  But I feel hope. And I am proud. And I do not feel gut wrenching guilt.

So for now, I am. 

I just am.

And it is Thursday.


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