It is Thanksgiving Eve. So really, it is still Day 200. But I had some moments of profundity. If that is a word. I'll have to look it up. But first, I need to get this typed. I will post it in the morning. On the "real" Day 201! (Note: "pro·fun·di·ty: deep insight; great depth of knowledge or thought." Oxforddictionaries.com)
So, it just occurred to me that the number 200 has taken on a new significance for me. A positive one! For many years, up until June 15, 2015 I weight 200+ pounds. I felt fearful when I first saw that number on my scale. Then ashamed. Then depressed. Then I got mad and told myself I was still beautiful. I couldn't help it if my metabolism had slowed down after I had children and began to get older. I started to embrace the initials BBW. I was big and beautiful!
But after awhile, I was not feeling so beautiful. Or healthy. I desired to be fit. And full of energy. For me, 200+ was not ideal.
I have the number 140 in mind as my goal weight. But that really is just a number, isn't it? This journey has not been easy. And it is not just about shedding pounds and numbers on the scale or the measuring tape.
It is about shedding the insulation I have packed around myself. It is about finding the authentic me that is buried deep inside.
I feel old habits calling to me. Especially as we head into the holidays. I want to bury my emotions in a big bowl of buttered popcorn.
Or a bag of vinegar and salt potato chips. With clam dip. And a brownie. And a diet coke. Give me a magazine with recipes and pictures, and I would be in heaven.
I have moments where I don't think I can perservere. I had another moment this evening. When I have time on my hands, unplanned time, alone, that is when I am tempted to binge. I guess that is what I would do. I would binge. I fought it. I talked myself past many temptations on the way home from student's house. I should have packed a meal! But I was in a hurry. Sigh.
I did give in to a small bowl of vanilla ice cream when I got home. I topped it with 10 M&M candies. I felt very much in control as I PURPOSELY spooned my ice cream into a small bowl and counted out the candy. I microwaved the M&M's until they were slightly melted.
But then I sat down in front of the computer. I opened Pinterest. My pulse quickened at the sight of all those beautiful pictures of food. And recipes! I clicked on a recipe called "Crack Tots". It led me to a blog called "Oh Bite It". Here is the picture:
At this point I started to eat mindlessly. Suddenly I had this out of body experience. I could see myself shovelling M&M ladened ice cream in my mouth. My pulse quickened. I was practically panting with my finger poised on the mouse to look at the recipe.
And then...
I STOPPED! I laughed at myself! "Crack Tots, indeed!". Perfect for this moment!
But I stopped. This is big!
I closed Pinterest. I put my bowl in the sink. I was aware. I think this a good start. Awareness is a good place to be at. Especially Thanksgiving Eve.
On that note, I am going to make some herbal tea and relax. Maybe read a book.
The gym is closed tomorrow for Thanksgiving Day. Isn't that ironic? The day we need it most! lol But the staff does deserve a day with their family. Selfish me.
So, my plan is to get up early and bundle up. I haven't been to the trail in several weeks. Not since the rain came. I think that would be a good tradition to start. A long walk on Thanksgiving morning. Maybe my daughter and Honey Dog will come with me.
My plan for today is simple: to be thankful for this God given life. To stop worrying what goes in my mouth and be more attentive to the words I say to others. But to be honest with you, those "crack tots" look divine! Maybe I will make them for our "Thanksgiving II" dinner!
I wonder if they are gluten free?
King James Bible: Matthew 15:11
"Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man."
So, it just occurred to me that the number 200 has taken on a new significance for me. A positive one! For many years, up until June 15, 2015 I weight 200+ pounds. I felt fearful when I first saw that number on my scale. Then ashamed. Then depressed. Then I got mad and told myself I was still beautiful. I couldn't help it if my metabolism had slowed down after I had children and began to get older. I started to embrace the initials BBW. I was big and beautiful!
But after awhile, I was not feeling so beautiful. Or healthy. I desired to be fit. And full of energy. For me, 200+ was not ideal.
I have the number 140 in mind as my goal weight. But that really is just a number, isn't it? This journey has not been easy. And it is not just about shedding pounds and numbers on the scale or the measuring tape.
It is about shedding the insulation I have packed around myself. It is about finding the authentic me that is buried deep inside.
I feel old habits calling to me. Especially as we head into the holidays. I want to bury my emotions in a big bowl of buttered popcorn.
Or a bag of vinegar and salt potato chips. With clam dip. And a brownie. And a diet coke. Give me a magazine with recipes and pictures, and I would be in heaven.
I have moments where I don't think I can perservere. I had another moment this evening. When I have time on my hands, unplanned time, alone, that is when I am tempted to binge. I guess that is what I would do. I would binge. I fought it. I talked myself past many temptations on the way home from student's house. I should have packed a meal! But I was in a hurry. Sigh.
I did give in to a small bowl of vanilla ice cream when I got home. I topped it with 10 M&M candies. I felt very much in control as I PURPOSELY spooned my ice cream into a small bowl and counted out the candy. I microwaved the M&M's until they were slightly melted.
But then I sat down in front of the computer. I opened Pinterest. My pulse quickened at the sight of all those beautiful pictures of food. And recipes! I clicked on a recipe called "Crack Tots". It led me to a blog called "Oh Bite It". Here is the picture:
 | ||
| http://www.ohbiteit.com/?s=crack+tots |
And then...
I STOPPED! I laughed at myself! "Crack Tots, indeed!". Perfect for this moment!
But I stopped. This is big!
I closed Pinterest. I put my bowl in the sink. I was aware. I think this a good start. Awareness is a good place to be at. Especially Thanksgiving Eve.
On that note, I am going to make some herbal tea and relax. Maybe read a book.
The gym is closed tomorrow for Thanksgiving Day. Isn't that ironic? The day we need it most! lol But the staff does deserve a day with their family. Selfish me.
So, my plan is to get up early and bundle up. I haven't been to the trail in several weeks. Not since the rain came. I think that would be a good tradition to start. A long walk on Thanksgiving morning. Maybe my daughter and Honey Dog will come with me.
 |
| Honey Dog |
I wonder if they are gluten free?
King James Bible: Matthew 15:11
"Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man."
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