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Day 201: Just Say No to Crack Tots!

It is Thanksgiving Eve.  So really, it is still Day 200. But I had some moments of profundity. If that is a word.  I'll have to look it up.  But first, I need to get this typed. I will post it in the morning. On the "real" Day 201! (Note: "pro·fun·di·ty: deep insight; great depth of knowledge or thought."
So, it just occurred to me that the number 200 has taken on a new significance for me.  A positive one!  For many years, up until June 15, 2015 I weight 200+ pounds.  I felt fearful when I first saw that number on my scale. Then ashamed. Then depressed. Then I got mad and told myself I was still beautiful. I couldn't help it if my metabolism had slowed down after I had children and began to get older.  I started to embrace the initials BBW.  I was big and beautiful!

But after awhile, I was not feeling so beautiful. Or healthy.  I desired to be fit. And full of energy.  For me, 200+ was not ideal.

I have the number 140 in mind as my goal weight. But that really is just a number, isn't it?  This journey has not been easy. And it is not just about shedding pounds and numbers on the scale or the measuring tape.

It is about shedding the insulation I have packed around myself. It is about finding the authentic me that is buried deep inside.

I feel old habits calling to me. Especially as we head into the holidays.  I want to bury my emotions in a big bowl of buttered popcorn.

Or a bag of vinegar and salt potato chips. With clam dip.  And a brownie. And a diet coke.  Give me a magazine with recipes and pictures, and I would be in heaven.

I have moments where I don't think I can perservere.  I had another moment this evening.  When I have time on my hands, unplanned time, alone, that is when I am tempted to binge. I guess that is what I would do. I would binge. I fought it. I talked myself past  many temptations on the way home from student's house. I should have packed a meal! But I was in a hurry. Sigh.

I did give in to a small bowl of vanilla ice cream when I got home. I topped it with 10 M&M candies.  I felt very much in control as I PURPOSELY spooned my ice cream into a small bowl and counted out the candy.  I microwaved the M&M's until they were slightly melted.

But then I sat down in front of the computer. I opened Pinterest.  My pulse quickened at the sight of all those beautiful pictures of food. And recipes!  I clicked on a recipe called "Crack Tots".  It led me to a blog called "Oh Bite It". Here is the picture:
At this point I started to eat mindlessly.  Suddenly I had this out of body experience. I could see myself shovelling M&M ladened ice cream in my mouth. My pulse quickened. I was practically panting with my finger poised on the mouse to look at the recipe.

And then...

I STOPPED!  I laughed at myself! "Crack Tots, indeed!".  Perfect for this moment!

But I stopped. This is big!

 I closed Pinterest.  I put my bowl in the sink.  I was aware.  I think this a good start. Awareness is a good place to be at. Especially Thanksgiving Eve.

On that note, I am going to make some herbal tea and relax.  Maybe read a book.

The gym is closed tomorrow for Thanksgiving Day.  Isn't that ironic? The day we need it most! lol But the staff does deserve a day with their family. Selfish me.

So, my plan is to get up early and bundle up. I haven't been to the trail in several weeks. Not since the rain came.  I think that would be a good tradition to start. A long walk on Thanksgiving morning. Maybe my daughter and Honey Dog will come with me.
Honey Dog
My plan for today is simple: to be thankful for this God given life. To stop worrying what goes in my mouth and be more attentive to the words I say to others. But to be honest with you, those "crack tots" look divine! Maybe I will make them for our "Thanksgiving II" dinner!

I wonder if they are gluten free?

King James Bible: Matthew 15:11
"Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man."


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