Year Three, Day 27: Shame

The numbers on the scale are still dropping! Slowly. But I'll take it!

I purposely allowed myself to linger in bed this morning. No run. No morning walk for coffee.

I just felt the need to relax a bit.  I'm glad I did.

I finally got vertical, took a nice hot shower and did some hula hooping.

A strange thing happened yesterday. I have some books on hold at the library. I am really excited about picking them up. My new favorite spiritual author (next to Thomas Merton), Henri Nouwen.

But I couldn't make the bus connections work in a time manner that would get me from my church office job to the library branch where my Nouwen books were being held and then to my first student. I had some books to return, but any branch will take them here in Portland.

So I went to another branch. Returned my books. And looked on the shelves under "Religion and Spirituality".

So glad I did!  No Man Is An Island, by Thomas Merton, was just sitting there innocently waiting to be checked out. I have been meaning to read this book by Merton. I have quoted several lines from it on Facebook recently. And right next to it was a book that looked interesting. I picked it up and read the back cover. But then returned it to the shelf. I have such a pile of books already! I have to practice self control. I started to walk away to check out my Merton, but something compelled me to return. And pick up the book again: I Thought It Was Just Me [But It Isn't], by Brene Brown.

I read a bit of the intro:

"People often want to believe that shame is reserved for the unfortunate few who have survived terrible traumas, but this is not true. Shame is something we all experience. And, while it feels like shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places, including appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, addiction sex, aging and religion."

 (I Thought It Was Just Me [But It Isn't], by Brene Brown.)

It grabbed me. I grabbed it. I checked it out.  Then later, at the bus stop, I took it out again.  This time I noticed the name of the author. And I got goosebumps!  You see, I was greatly moved by one of Brene Brown's quotes recently. I was having a rough day and it caught my eye. I reposted it. I was curious about the author. I know nothing about her.

This is the quote. I posted it on Facebook on June 5, 2017:

''I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.''

~ Brené Brown

This is not a coincidence.  I have stopped writing these moments of serendipity off as coincidence. I feel like God sometimes just reaches down and points me in the direction I should go.  

I can't wait to delve further!

Shame.   

What a word.  I think this is my next layer to unpeel. Of my onion skin.  I think that my shame goes through many layers.  

It is interesting that I allowed myself to sleep in this morning, with not much guilt feelings attached.  All day I felt this letting go, breathing, allowing more space, less worry.

I am going to continue to work on myself in many ways.  But as I examine my inner feelings of self worth, and examine the shame and guilt I have carried with me for so long, I am going to just let go and start enjoying my life.  Right now!

I have clung to the idea for so long that I was a "project".  I think I have this fairy tale notion of a future, more perfect Zita.  She is much different than the "Morning Zita", I can tell you that!

But she does not exist.  Just like the "past Zita" is no longer.  Just Zita.  Right here. Right now.

And I don't know about you, but I think she is pretty cool!

On that note, even though I have much more to say, I am going to wish you a happy Thursday evening. Pleasant dreams!

Talk to you tomorrow.


Love,

Zita