I am still fighting the blues. With every fiber of my being!
Luckily, once I finally got vertical this morning, I was pleased to see the numbers on my scale descending. I am feeling impatient, however. I did read an article yesterday about how people that previously binged on carb-laden food had trouble losing weight later. They recommend a very low carb diet.
I am kind of doing that. But could work harder at it. Currently I avoid gluten and added sugar. I limit my food intake to between the hours of about 10:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. with my biggest meal of the day about 2:30 or 3:00. Then I eat fresh fruit, nuts and yogurt after that. Sometimes I eat later than 6, but my absolute cutoff time is 8:00 p.m.
I have had a really hard time lately. I have been fighting depression. I want comfort. I want to snack late at night. Especially on hot, salty, buttered popcorn. But I tell myself it is not worth how I will feel later.
I know I will get through this. It is partly my mood cycle. Partly just really saddened by the world. I could just refuse to watch the news and stay off of Facebook. But I want to be involved. I want to care. I want to have something to pray about besides myself.
I realize that my sleep is a big factor. I realize I should go back to not watching television or looking at the internet right before bedtime. My current tv binge show is "Homeland" with Damien Lewis. I am absolutely addicted! And the theme fits in to how our world is being torn apart by terrorism and hate crimes.
I am certain that adrenaline rush I get from watching this show every night, leads to bad dreams. I notice in the morning when I hit the snooze button, I am angry. I just want a few more minutes of peaceful slumber.
But those few minutes lead to an hour or more.
I need that hour. I need to be awake, and vertical. I need to run. I need to practice piano. I need to pray and clean.
But instead I hit the snooze.
I can see, now that I am awake and vertical, what needs to change. But my early morning person is a different person. She does not seem to respond to reason. Maybe I have a split personality. My morning me and the rest of the day me?
I just had an idea. I heard of a man that wrote notes to his drunk self. Notes of encouragement and common sense. That the drunk self would need. Like drink extra water before you go to bed, etc.
So maybe I need to write a note to my morning self. Encourage her to not hit the snooze. Make a list of the reasons why.
It is worth a try.
Because, I am not ready to give up my "Homeland" addiction. My rationalizing is that I am slightly depressed. And "Homeland" is one bit of pleasure that I look forward to. Most of the rest of my day is just putting one foot in front of the other.
And life is more than that, is it not?
On that note, here are my Monday stats:
June 5, 2017 Stats
1:15 p.m. Mood: 3
(On a scale of 1-10, 1 being severely depressed, 10 being ecstatic)
Weight: 187 pounds
Chest: 40"Waist: 37"
Reflection: Low mood. But I have lost one pound. Otherwise my measurements are the same as the last two weeks. Going to focus on eating less carbs this week. More fruit and veggies. More prayer.
Plan: Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Talk about what I am grateful for:
- My piano students are giving a recital this weekend. I am truly looking forward to that! I have the program all typed up, including a "personal quote" from each student. Most adorable!
- The choir I accompany is also giving a concert next week. I am leading rehearsal this week. The music is beautiful. And I love the group. (But I am a bit nervous about leading rehearsal and I am doing extra practice on my piano part, which still needs work.)
- I am also going to be looking for a car next month so I can visit my daughter and son-in-law in Vancouver, WA. In September, I will have a new granddaughter to visit! I am looking forward to that very much! (I think I am nervous about the car. I have a license. I am fit to drive. But I turned my life upside down in order to make public transportation work for my life. In doing so, it actually enhanced my life. I walked more, saved money, learned to be more patient, talked to strangers, breathed and read more...)But this does not need to change! I can still walk, breathe, say kind words to strangers...Getting a car again will enhance my life because it will save on commute times and enable me to visit my family and friends and maybe even take a road trip!
In typing this, just now, I realize what might be contributing to my depression. I am a bit fearful.
That has never stopped me before! I will overcome!
Other things I am grateful for:
- A roof over my head.
- A part time job that helps keep that roof over my head!
- Piano students who remind me why I teach.
- Random kind acts and conversation with strangers.
- My family.
- Having a God I can talk to.
ADDENDUM: I need to share this quote from Thomas Merton, perhaps my favorite author. I just read it after I finished writing my blog post for today. Reading this, lifting my mood by several notches. I need to remember to read inspirational words everyday. Preferably first thing in the morning!
Peace and blessings to you!
“All men seek peace first of all with themselves. That is necessary, because we do not naturally find rest even in our own being. We have to learn to commune with ourselves before we can communicate with other men and with God. A man who is not at peace with himself necessarily projects his interior fighting into the society of those he lives with, and spreads a contagion of conflict all around him. Even when he tries to do good to others his efforts are hopeless, since he does not know how to do good to himself. In moments of wildest idealism he may take it into his head to make other people happy: and in doing so he will overwhelm them with his own unhappiness. He seeks to find himself somehow in the work of making others happy. Therefore he throws himself into the work. As a result he gets out of the work all that he put into it: his own confusion, his own disintegration, his own unhappiness." Thomas Merton, from No Man is an Island