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| Hanging with My Ol' Friend, the Blues! |
I ate gluten yesterday. Again. Sourdough toast. It is PAINFULLY obvious now that I have a sensitivity. Oy!
However, I did manage to haul my bloated, miserable self out of bed for my hoop session. 400 rotations today. Without stopping!
I have a cloud of gloom hanging over my head today. No sense trying to act like everything is ok. I am having a low day. A very tired, insecure anxious and depressed day.
My plan is to hide out. I did make it to church, but my few casual conversations felt forced. I don't like forced. Or phony. So I snuck out of church without establishing eye contact, as if I had places to go and people to see.
Only, I didn't.
I thought about stopping for lunch somewhere. But my tummy vetoed that thought.
Plan B was to stop and have iced tea at Starbucks, ponder and brood a bit. Read and pray. Then go for an attitude changing workout and hot tub soak.
At Starbucks, I sipped my tea and inhaled deeply. I was beginning to feel better. When I am low, I try to remember not to follow my thoughts. They are usually negative, self incriminating thoughts. To follow them would be the beginning of a downward spiral.
That is one result from a somewhat annoying counseling session years ago. I suddenly had this "pop up" notion in my brain. I told my therapist, suddenly, out of the blue, "I just realized I don't need to follow my thoughts!"
We both just looked at each other. He nodded. I am not sure it was as a profound a moment for him as it was for me. We never really hit it off.
But that moment made it worthwhile!
I told myself I was a good person, a child of God, and the Blues was an old friend of mine. I told myself it would pass.
And what I needed is a day of rest, without expectations, demands or feelings of guilt.
I smiled. Then I logged on to Facebook.
That was my first mistake.
Today is Father's Day. So many of my friends have "I love you Dad!" posts and pics.
I want to say I love my dad.
But I have never said that. I don't even know if I've ever thought that.
He was quite abusive.
Years ago, driving over the I-205 bridge, on a Easter Sunday morning, I had a warming of my heart. A little voice to me to let go, and forgive my father. I did. Right there on the bridge. It was so freeing!
Sadly, I never told him I forgave him. And that window of opportunity it essentially closed. After his stroke 2 years ago, and now Parkinson's Disease and early stages of prostate cancer, he is not the same person. Very quiet. Likes his chair. Very dependent on my mom.
But no longer mean, critical, inappropriate or abusive!
So, there is healing.
But my inner child is sad today.
Not only for the father, I never really had. But for the father that was not there for my son. The father who was in and out of my daughter's life.
For all the people who never really had a loving father. I am sad.
Thankfully, I have my Heavenly Father.
After Starbucks, instead of the gym, I ended up going to lunch. I finally had my appetite back. I have decided my new eating plan that suits my life is one large meal out a day. And my limit is $10.
I am definitely going to avoid gluten. Also, no added sugar, and avoiding dairy for the time being. No fried foods. I will try to eat my large meal by 3:00 p.m. each day. Aside from my one meal, I will eat fresh fruits, veggies, yogurt, nuts and oatmeal at home or packed in my bag for the day.
Today's lunch was at a little dive all-you-can-eat buffet on SE 82nd. "Best Buffet". It is only $8.00 on Sunday. During the week, it is $7.25 for lunch. My mood was lifted by my incredible self control! I brazenly walked by all the pasta, fried foods, breads and pastries. I had a plate of rice, broccoli, a bit of beef, a small soup and a small green salad.
True confession time: I rewarded myself with a small serving of frozen yogurt topped with caramel.
I feel good about my lunch. I needed a bit of comfort without totally giving in to food binging.
Now I am at my library office. It is hot today. The library is cool. The library brings me comfort.
After the library, I plan on going to the gym. And then home to relax. Probably go to bed early.
This has been a bit of a rough day. But something that came to me in one of my "pop-up" moments of profundity, is this: I know I have days like these. I need to recognize them and give myself a break. Not worry about what others think. Alone time or time with someone who understands is fine.
I know that part of my blues has to do with loneliness. I am not afraid of being alone. But I've had a few encounters with people of the male species who put a sparkle in my eye. But then they kind of fizzled out. I do feel a bit rejected. But I am coherent enough to realize I give my power away when I dwell on them.
I also realize I need to spend more time on things I know I do well. Like playing piano. And planning for student's lessons. Writing. Drawing. I still haven't broken out my water colors.
I am still recovering from empty nest syndrome. But I have a little granddaughter due in a few months. She deserves a grandma who is balanced and secure!
On that note, they have flicked the lights here at the library. They shall be kicking us out soon.
I have gotten everything off my chest I needed to.
I feel lighter already.
And I am looking forward to another episode of "Homeland" tonight. It's gotten really steamy!
I wish you a blessed Sunday. Enjoy the sun!
Talk to you tomorrow.
Happy Father's Day to all the fathers!
Love,
Zita
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