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Day 279: Free at Last! (Not yet...)

I was really achy this morning.  Headache and feeling like my heart was racing. I woke up at 6:00 a.m., but instead of getting out of bed and praying, I did some prayer in bed. Stretched, drank water.  So I started a bit late today.

I know there will be days like this.  But rather than beat myself up, I am going to be kind to myself.

In keeping with my Lenten declaration, I started my day with God.

I felt myself backsliding. I wanted to reach for my Kindle (which I keep conveniently by my bedside, charging). I was thinking that catching up on the news, email and Facebook would distract me and wake me up.  But my heart was racing.  And I knew that would be breaking my promise.

So instead, I took a deep breath and prayed.   I am working on giving my anxiety to him. This is more difficult than I had imagined. My life seems to be ruled by fear. Fear which leads to tension, anxiety, racing heart, nightmares, fatigue and sore, achy bones and muscles.

I am seeing a connecting here! I want to break free of this cycle! Like the spiritual "Free at Last"! In fact, this shall be my hymn of the day!

AN EARLY EXAMPLE OF "FREE AT LAST"
(Collected by John Wesley Work, Jr. and included in his book New Jubilee Songs and Folk Songs of the American Negro, 1907)

Free at last, free at last
I thank God I'm free at last
Free at last, free at last
I thank God I'm free at last

Way down yonder in the graveyard walk
I thank God I'm free at last
Me and my Jesus going to meet and talk
I thank God I'm free at last

On my knees when the light pass'd by
I thank God I'm free at last
Tho't my soul would rise and fly
I thank God I'm free at last

Some of these mornings, bright and fair
I thank God I'm free at last
Goin' meet King Jesus in the air
I thank God I'm free at last

I talked about freedom in a previous blog post. Right before my daughter handed me the book Breaking Free by Beth Moore.

I am in chapter four of her book.  It is moving me towards an understanding of my faith like never before.

One thing that is holding me captive in life is fear, which leads to tension and anxiety.  Learning to trust, let go and believe have been my obstacles.

"A Christian is held captive by anything that hinders the abundant and effective Spirit-filled life God planned for him or her...Christ sets us free by the power of His Spirit; then He maintains our freedomas we learn to live from day to day in power of his free spirit." ~Beth Moore Breaking Free

I did notice something interesting this morning. My sleep was difficult last night, full of intense, disturbing nightmares.  I woke up with a start at 6:00 a.m., as if coming out of deep water and gulping for air.  My heart was racing.

When I finally got out of bed, made my tea and got out my journal, bible and Beth Moore's book to study, I thought I should maybe take my blood pressure and pulse.

At 10:00 a.m. my BP was 100/76. Pulse was 81.  Not bad really. I thought the pulse was a little high. But not what I imagined. Must be my friend anxiety.

I breathed and prayed and studied. I took it again at 11:15.  BP was 93/79. Pulse was 77.

Interesting how my emotions and mental state can affect my body.

So now I am going to practice my piano. I have a big concert coming up with my chamber group. That is one thing I have been worried about. But I've gotten some stellar practice sessions in. I am nearly ready.

I am also going to stretch with a yoga dvd before I go teach today. I am still so stiff and sore and tense.  I need to let go!

More water is in order.  

I have had a fruit juice smoothie at 6:00 p.m. for the past two nights in trying to cut off my eating in the evening. I was not at a place were I could make a healthy meal and I did not want to eat at a restaurant.  I really did not want to start chewing, because that triggers eating mode! I thought the smoothies would be perfect. I was right! They tasted great and kept me satisfied. But I talked with my daughter. She is concerned about the high concentration of sugar. I had a berrry smoothie two nights ago. 23 grams of sugar and 300 calories. Last night I had a vanilla protein shake. 20 grams of sugar and about 300 calories.  I think she's right. I seem to be sensitive to sugar. It creates this feeling of inflammation in my blood. And tension. I don't know how else to describe it.

So back to nuts, cheese and gluten free crackers for my evening meal. With some water and yogurt. I just checked the nutritional info on my yogurt. It contains 12 grams of sugar and 100 calories.  Better than the smoothies.  I like to eat Greek yogurt because of the probiotic component.  And calcium. But don't like feeling freaky!  Will keep considering the sugar issue.


Work in progress I am.

Oh, and I weighed in at 186 this morning. I am feeling motivated to get that scale moving again!

Happy Friday!

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