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Day 293: My Place in This World

Yesterday instead of taking the bus from my first student to the library, as I usually do, I walked. It took 30 minutes. But it was well worth it. Especially since I didn't get a trail walk or gym workout yesterday. I did however get a short yoga session in. I am really excited about the results from daily yoga. I am more flexible and my sleep is deeper. I still have difficulty waking up early and do still ache in the morning. But it wears off.

My hymn of the day actually came to me last night when I was reviewing my day. I suppose this is not so much a hymn, as a praise song. By Michael W. Smith. He never fails to move my heart. And the lyrics really speak to my present state of my mind and soul.

I am still immersed in my daily study of Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I read a chapter a day. I copy some of the referenced scripture passages onto 3x5 cards and carry them with me. I often read them on the bus.  It helps me stay grounded and immersed in the Word of God.

As a mother of adult children, who is temporarily sharing a home with them, I had struggled with the transition from single mother with little dependents, to a mother of a married daughter, an adult son and a son in law.

Adjusting to my changing role has been more difficult than I had imagined. It was  not the instant freedom from responsibility I had imagined.  New worries abounded. Especially in living with them. But as adults, they no longer see me as the head of the household.  But I also did not want to fall into the role of housekeeper, cook, domestic servant. Luckily that has not happened. But I find I feel more peaceful giving of myself and helping.

I am studying "Ancient Boundary Stones" in Breaking Free.  I am pondering my childhood and any negative cycles that I have inherited from my family lines.

One person who has always impacted my life was my Grandma Annie, mother of my mother.  She was born in Prague. Came to the United States as a small child. Settled in West, Texas (just outside of Waco) in a little Czech community. Her husband died when my mother, the third of three children was just a baby. She raised her children on a farm with the help of her sister, Bessie who lived with them.  Her brothers, George and Jim lived on the adjoining farm with their sister Helen.

Grandma Annie woke every morning with the chickens. Yes, chickens do rise early! She baked her own bread, and cooked nearly everything from scratch. She and Aunt Bessie had a garden, chickens, turkeys. Uncle George and Uncle Jim had pigs.

She was a devout Catholic. I consider her a saint.  I lived in Texas for one year when I was 14. I got to know these amazing, hard working people. But I was so shy and introverted, I did not get close to them.

But as I get older, I am starting to understand the sacrifices she made.  As I willingly take on the household chore of dishes, which I have always despised, I think of it as part of spiritual walk.  I am learning to spend more time with my adult children. I am feeling blessed that they actually want to hang out with their mom!

I am stepping back and letting them live. But I am here. I am present.  I do not desire recognition. But just a small place in their lives.

Hence, this song:

Place In This World

By Michael W. Smith
The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me?
Hear me asking
Where do I belong?
Is there a vision
That I can call my own?
Show me I'm
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

I have my yoga dvd on mute and am stretching to Johann Sebastian Bach "The Well-Tempered Clavier Book 1"!  Ideal for yoga, it is! I have played many of the preludes on the piano. I have attempted some of the fugues. They are a good brain exercise, but too tortuous to attempt to perform!

If you are not familiar with Johann Sebastian Bach or The Well-Tempered Clavier, or even if you are, I encourage you to listen to these beautiful preludes and fugues.  I find them excellent background for reading, praying and yoga! Here is a blurb from Classic FM:

"These works are also collectively known as The Well-Tempered Clavier, which as the name suggests is a collection of solo keyboard music composed by Johann Sebastian Bach. The 48 Preludes and Fugues are regarded as the most influential works which ultimately revolutionised western classical music. The Well-Tempered Clavier comprehensively reassessed the approach to not only the playing the keyboard, but to composition in general."  ( )

I had a bit of a revelation yesterday. I am not sure exactly when or where this occurred to me. But I have long since had the habit of scanning my body for pain and tension. And then popping my joints, especially my neck and upper back to seek relief.  I realized yesterday that the relief is short lived. It is probably what is leading to my pain and tension. I usually over stretch and then pop joints in a time of mental stress.  It is as if I am attacking myself.  It is aggressive and not kind to my body. So yesterday, when I got those urges, I breathed slowly.  I forced myself to not stretch and pop. But would take gentle stretch breaks during my day.  I imagine this is a component of my overly anxious mind and racing thoughts. Which I had resolved to give up for Lent. So in keeping to my word, I am trying to release these thoughts through prayer, journaling, and more mindful living.  I am determined to break this cycle of pain without resorting to meds if possible! 

And now for a short piano practice session before I go off and teach.  

Happy Friday!


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