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| Yes, I have a thorn! Read on... |
...that I mentioned in yesterday's blog? Well, it is still digging into my side. I spent part of today in tears. Because of hurt and maybe quite a bit of grandbaby withdrawal! I am going to spend Thursday - Saturday morning with my daughter, son-in-law and the burrito. That should revive my spirits!
The thorn I mentioned yesterday was in reference to a difficult person for me in the church office.
Our encounter left me feeling sick to my stomach. Yes, I believe I handled it peacefully yet firmly. I needed to stand up to her and speak my mind. But it drained me. And brought up many issues. Some from childhood. I kept reverting to a frightened child, seeing my father's angry face as he demeaned me for making mistakes on the piano, or just yelling at me for apparently no reason.
I know. I am no longer a child. But in moments of crisis and conflict, I revert.
I usually end up crying. And then angry. And then I obsess over the issue. Until I can vent to someone who has the patience to listen.
And then, in a moment of wisdom, I might turn to prayer. And then, in a moment of brilliance I might even open my bible.
Which I did today!
I am still reading a few verses of the Bible everyday. I am on my fourth time completely through. Last night I finished Joshua. This afternoon, after a good cry over a lovely lamb souvlaki plate, I felt a peace come over me.
I was compelled to open my bible. I'm glad I did. But I almost dropped a piece of lamb, dripping with tzatziki in my lap when I read Judges 2:3:
"Wherefore I also said, I will not drive them out from before you; but they shall be as thorns in your sides, and their gods shall be a snare unto you." (Judges 2:3 King James Bible)
I no longer believe in coincidences. God is definitely trying to tell me something. It took some prayer, study and walking before it dawned on me. Paul also talks about a "thorn" in his flesh. I looked it up and found this scripture in 2 Corinthians:
"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited." (2 Corinthians 12:7, English Standard Version)
I Googled "thorn in the flesh" and found an amazing commentary. Forgive the length, but I find this so helpful!
Here is an excerpt of the article "Stuck with a Thorn?" from Strength for the Journey by Joe Stowell. You can find the complete article by clicking on the link below.
It’s important to know that when God permits a thorn to remain, He gives us grace to accept it and sometimes even the grace to understand the purpose for which the thorn is intended. Paul came to realize that God permitted his affliction “to keep me from becoming conceited” (2 Corinthians 12:7
)...Getting a grip on why God permits our afflictions, weaknesses, or disabilities to remain has a powerful effect on our attitudes. Instead of shaking his fist at God and grumbling about his thorn, Paul realized that God’s power was being made perfect in his weakness. That insight produced an upbeat spirit of delight and satisfaction. As Paul said, “for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses . . . For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10
).We normally don’t think of being strong in weakness, but that’s just how God works. He knows that if we think we are strong in and of ourselves, then we will become proud and self-sufficient. And when we feel that way, we are in reality very weak and unable to accomplish much of anything except for thinking how cool and capable we are. God has a better plan. When He needs to accomplish really great things through us, He sometimes needs to get our twisted view of ourselves out of the way."
I know that my thorn is my thin skin. I am so easily hurt, offended, wounded. And God has put this thorn deep under that thin skin of mine. I can't tell you how many people have kindly suggested I "grow a thicker skin" or stop "caring so much about what other's think", or not to worry, "it's not your problem".
But God made me this way. I do care. Deeply.
Today an elderly man stumbled into my office, hobbling on a cane. I will call him "Mr. S" (He was hunched over like the letter S!) He had approached my sign volunteer friend and I at the end of my day yesterday as we were replacing the letters on the church sign. He was angry and frustrated. His social security check was not due for two days and his landlord was threatening to evict him and his wife if he couldn't come up with at least $40.
I told him yesterday that I did not have the power to authorize help. I felt for him, but I knew our pastor was in a meeting. And I needed to hop on a bus to go teach. I told him perhaps he could stop by or call in the morning and I could check with her then. I also suggested a few places in the neighborhood he might ask.
He grumbled that he had been walking around all day for miles with no luck.
"And you call yourselves a church!" he screamed as he hobbled off. I was devastated. I didn't like being yelled at, but I felt his desperation. I have been there myself.
This same man stood before me this morning. He looked humbler than yesterday. I asked him if he had found help. He said he managed to get a bit of money together to appease the landlord, but she still wanted more. He was just looking for $30 to $40 more until his check came.
I contacted the pastor, but she told me our policy was not to give rental assistance. We were a small church and did not have the budget. Plus there were people who abused the system. She gave me the name of an organization that she said would "vet" him and if he qualified, he would get help. I wrote this all on a paper and told him I would pray for him. He left with a smile.
I looked up at pictures of my daughter and granddaughter and felt a warm glow. I wish I could just be with them all day. Away from the stress of the world. But she would grow up too. And someday she would have to survive. And I hope she would be stronger than me!
I opened an email from a young lady who had been into our office last week. She had started a new job, but her paycheck was not due for a week. She and her cat had no food. I told her we were not a food bank, but could put together a small box to get her through. Unfortunately we had no cat food. She had left happy and given me her contact information.
I had emailed her to check on her and ask if she needed cat food. The email this morning was a sweet note of thanks. And she said although she was doing better, she could certainly use some cat food.
So this morning, after my hoop session, I ran up to the gas station for my morning $1.09 cup of coffee. Plus a box of catfood and a bag of cat treats. It warmed my heart to know I was doing something to ease the suffering of the world!
Yes, I have donated to the victims of Hurricane Harvey and Hurricane Irma. But to see the results of helping someone right in your backyard makes a huge difference!
Anyway, I was basking in my own wonderfulness, when the phone rang. It was the agency I had referred Mr. S to. She had him right there. She was confused as to why we had sent him. Apparently their agency could only help families in the North Clackamas School District.
My heart fell. I could imagine how he felt. I talked with the representative on the phone for a bit, to clarify for the future, what resources they provided. Then I contacted my boss. We had a heart wrenching discussion of how we want to help, but we as a small church cannot give out money. Legally it could backfire if they did not use that money for the purpose intended. And it could create a dependency.
I understood that. But here was an older man who I had given false information to! Who was hobbling all over town trying to find help! He was probably angry again. And I was alone!
"Lock the door", she recommended. I wanted to scream. If I had money on me, I would have given it to him. Whether he used it for the intended purposes or not. Apparently, after much discussion with the agency and my boss I discovered that Clackamas County has virtually no money available for people with urgent housing needs. It is on the agenda of many meetings that my boss has attended. She says we cannot help most of these people, but we can help fix a broken system.
I was so depressed. I understood what she said. I did. But my heart ached.
I cried a bit. I made some tea. I got back to work on the bulletins. I said a prayer for Mr. S and his wife.
Then the phone rang. It was Mr. S!
He sounded cheerful. He told me what happened at the social service agency. I told him I had heard and I felt horrible to send him there. He said he knew I was just trying to help. He said he had been walking all over the neighborhood, hobbling in pain trying to get help so he and his wife would not be evicted. Suddenly a kind woman pulled over. She had seen him walking and asked if he needed help. She now was driving him from church to church to seek help. They had a lead on a church that did offer small emergency rental assistance.
I was so relieved. I told him I had been praying for him. And to let me know how things turned out. I felt genuine compassion flow between the two of us, through the phone line. I feel like a made a new friend. And that God answered my prayer by sending him an angel.
I exhaled. And smiled again.
Then my boss put together a sheet of guidelines for me to follow when people walked in seeking help. I added some phone numbers and addresses of social service agencies, and copied off some sheets of food banks in Clackamas Counties. I will be better armed this time around.
But at least I have food for a hungry kitty!
I think I will pick up more. And maybe some dog food.
Church is not just a building. It is the people. And we are not here to serve our own needs. We are here to be the body, hands and feet of Christ.
In the words of the beloved Teresa of Avila, a Carmelite nun and saint (1515-1582)
Christ Has No Body
"Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours."
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours."
Most humbled am I!
So much that I am suddenly at a loss for words.
So this is a good time for me to wish you a happy Wednesday!
Talk to you tomorrow!
Love,
Zita
p.s. Here is today's hooping video. Day 88! I am planning on traveling with my hoop to Vancouver tomorrow. I can't let a day go by without my hoopercise!!
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