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Year Three, Day 128: The Backpack Comment



I smell rain!

The skies are gray and clouder. It is chilly enough that I needed a sweater for my morning hoop.

The air is heavy and tense. I feel anxious.  I just want the skies to open and pour down that sweet water.

Should be any moment. I feel like the whole city will sigh with relief when the rain finally comes.

I felt quite ill from smoke inhalation yesterday. I spent the day teaching piano in a large church. One of the pastors usually comes in early on Saturdays and opens all the doors to air the place out and attempt to keep it cool. No A.C. in that church.

The temperature was quite pleasant all day. But towards the end, I felt ill.  The smoke had permeated the sanctuary and filled my lungs. I was wheezing and coughing.

I cancelled my early evening one mile walk home that I look forward to each evening. Instead I ordered Lyft on my phone. I justified the expense by telling myself I was saving my lungs.

I slept like a log last night.  I felt like I had been run over by a truck full of logs this morning. Perhaps due to my heavy backpack from my journey across the river and back to see my granddaughter.  Perhaps a bit of anxiety too.  Anxiety and I go way back.

I made it to church this morning. With my backpack. I had a moment of self-concious pause when someone asked me if I was running away from home, glancing at my bulging pack.  I laughed. He laughed and said, "Just kidding".

I sometimes get weary of explaining myself.

I don't really always understand myself. I joke with my daughter that I am 55, but I still don't know who I am. Or what I want to be when I grow up!

But this is what I know:

I walk. With a backpack. I take the bus and Max instead of drive. Sometimes people express pity for me. That I walk and don't have a car. Inside my head, I feel sorry for them. That they drive instead of walk. I get some of my best thinking done when I walk. I do not have to deal with traffic, engine trouble, or insurance. It is exercise...which in my opinion is lengthens and enhances life.

(But there are drawbacks. One of which is TIME. I am still considering a small car for visits to my grandbaby.)

Other things I know about myself:

I exercise with a hoop. I am single by choice.  I prefer a good book to a party.  I enjoy hours alone with my piano.  I love teaching music.  I despise gossip.  I love Jesus, but do  not feel qualified to elevate one religious denomination over another. I believe in God, but do not feel qualified to understand His ways. I read the Bible. I believe it is the Word of God.  I do not feel qualified to pick and choose what to take literally.  I believe we are all equal children of God.  But if someone does not believe in God, or believes differently than me, I do not feel qualified to feel superior.  I am alone, but rarely lonely. But sometimes I feel invisible. Sometimes I feel misunderstood.

I do not have a "group" of people who think the same as me. I have never found a church where I completely am at home.  I long to help, to serve, but I have trouble meeting my own needs.  I long for work that is meaningful. That makes a difference in the world.  But I also long to be able to relax and enjoy the moment, rather than see everything that is not right.  

Thank God for my granddaughter. She has brought new meaning to my life. A new baby is an absolute miracle. For me, it is undeniable proof of a higher power. A creator, with ways so much higher than ours, that it hurts to even contemplate.  My granddaughter has shifted my priorities.  When I start to feel depressed, restless or discontent, I imagine her sweet little face.

In order to honor this new life, I am more determined than ever to rise above my anxiety and depression. To silence my inner critic and to take with a grain of salt criticisms from others.  To pour myself into my work, especially my music. To take care of my health - mental, emotional and physical. And to be a vessel through which love and compassion continually flows.

So when I got the "backpack" comment today at church, I laughed and shrugged it off. Instead of explaining myself,  I showed off pictures of my grandbaby.

The sermon was fascinating. But it was a bit confrontational for my tastes. A lot of criticism of "cults" like the Catholic Church, Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses.  I was raised Catholic. I know why I did not remain Catholic, but I still find peace and solace in the Mass. I still carry a rosary.

I had good friend that were Jehovah's Witnesses. And while I do not have any Mormon friends, I feel uncomfortable with any group being mocked.

Most every church I have ever worked for or attended has mocked other denominations. Except for the most maligned:  The Catholics and the Jehovah's Witnesses.

I don't know if I will ever find the answer. Other than I believe in a Creator. And I love Jesus.  People often let me down.  I left feeling out of sorts.  Like I don't really belong anywhere.  And I am having extreme grandbaby separation anxiety.  I called my daughter at lunch and she texted me oodles of Baby Burrito pictures.  It helped. She told me she had separation anxiety when she was away from her baby for just 30 minutes yesterday.

I am at the library right now.  My plan is to blog, listen to my online piano blues course, and then go to the gym for a hot tub soak.

I am feeling a restlessness.  Not sure what to make of it. Perhaps too much caffeine.  Perhaps it is time to make a change.  There have been clues lately. When I feel discontent, I know I need to step back and ponder where I am in life.

So ponder, I shall!

I need a good long walk. Perhaps I will be fortunate to walk in the rain tonight on the way home!

I picked up a book at the library that caught my eye. I will probably not check it out. I have a plethora of books to read.  This one looks like it was written for elementary school students. It is called Extraordinary People: A Semi-Comprehensive Guie to Some of the World's Most Fascinating Individuals, by Michael Hearst, Illustrated by Aaron Scamihorn.

I opened the book up out of curiousity. One of the driving forces in my life has been to not be ordinary. One of the only real lessons of value from my hypercritical father.

I opened up to the page about P.T. Barnum, one of the creators of Barnum & Bailey Circus. .

I will leave you with this quote:
"Whatever you do, do with all your might. Work at it if necessary early and late, in season and out of season,  not leaving a stone unturned, and never deferring for a single hour that which can be done just as well now".

On that note, I wish you a happy Sunday!

And I hope to say "Hallelujah" for the rain soon!

Talk to you tomorrow!






Love,

Zita

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