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Year Three, Day 220: OY

So, I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner this morning.  She told me she got the results of the x-ray. They were negative for any signs of infection.  But, it showed that the alveoli sacs were slightly collapsed.  I asked her what that meant. She says she sees that in patients who have had surgery and have been on bed rest, or are sedentary.

"Excuse me", I said, feeling quite offended. "I exercise daily. I walk at least two miles a day. I do not have a car, so I walk and take the bus. I've been working hard on improving my health the last few years, so this is extremely frustrating."

"Oh", she said. "Well, it is very good that you are exercising. It might also be due to pneumonia."

She prescribed yet another course of Prednisone. Arrrgg!  But she also prescribed another inhaler.  This one is more preventative, instead of the rescue inhaler I currently use.  I am two use it twice daily.

I left feeling a bit deflated. Like the alveoli in my lungs.

But at least I would get another course of Prednisone. Hopefully that would break the cycle, while I explore other alternatives. Like diet. And I am still hoping to find the time to see an acupuncturist.

So I headed over to Walmart to fill my prescription.  I had a concert at a homeless shelter this evening. I was so tired from my coughing bouts and lack of sleep, I feared I would not perform well.

Alas, Walmart was so backed up in their prescriptions that I would not be able to pick it up until this evening. After the performance.

Sigh. I was determined not to let my spirits sag anymore than they had. I took myself out to lunch. I had vegetarian pho.  I had my Kindle with me. So while I ate, I read up on "atelectasis" ("Atelectasis is also known as closed lung or partial lung collapse since this disorder causes either total closure or partial collapse of the lobes of your lung. Tiny air sac of the lung becomes constricted (deflated) causing breathing problems."(http://diseasespictures.com/atelectasis/)

I also downloaded a few books about diet to control asthma and COPD.

I felt a bit better armed with knowledge.  The homeless concert was sweet.  The people were there eating dinner. They were very hungry and cold. But even so, they clapped, expressed thanks, wished us happy holidays and some came up and talked to us.  I have one more concert this Saturday.  

But afterwards, as I took the bus up to get my prescriptions, I started wondering.  Perhaps it was time to step down from performance. At least until I get my lungs functioning properly.  The homeless concerts are voluntary.  I enjoyed them so much in previous years. But this year, I am just tired. And I miss my grandbaby.  

But I will fulfill my obligation.  And then relax and enjoy my week off next week.  

Our immediate family is not celebrating with my brother until he returns from California the first weekend in January.  My daughter, son-in-law and Baby Gracie will be with his family. My son will be with his girlfriend and her family.

I am not seeking sympathy, but I will be alone on Christmas. And I am absolutely looking forward to it. I am simply exhausted. And being around people, acting merry and bright, while trying not to cough sound like torture.

I think I will go see the new Star Wars movie. I will make sure I have my inhaler with me!

My first real job was in a movie theater. I was 16 years old. I was horrified to find out the theater was open on Christmas day. We were all expected to put in 2 hour shifts to make it fair. I remember being quite touched to see many lonely people show up to see movies on Christmas (also Thanksgiving and New Years). These were people who seemed to have no family.  I remember being happy that they had a place to go. 

Those were the days I overemphasized the importance of holidays. Over the years I have deemphasized them. I told my children I loved them every day of the year and would often buy them presents "just because".

So my COPD is coming in handy this time. And excuse not to deck the halls and fa-la-la-la-la!

That makes me very happy! At last something to smile about on this rather difficult day.

I think part of my funk is that I did not hoop this morning. The first day off of hooping in 183 days!  But it was cold, windy and pouring down rain this morning. And I was coughing. So I think I made a wise decision.  

It must be a habit! A good one, but a habit nonetheless. Because I felt off all day for not having my hoop fix!

That will change tomorrow!

Oh, and tomorrow evening I am playing the piano for a bass sectional for the choir I accompany. We are working on Bach's Magnificat.  I do believe I will stay with this group until I fall off of my piano bench.  I enjoy working on large, difficult works. We have a talented, accomplished director. And most have the members have been part of the group for many years. So there is a feeling of belonging.

My introverted, isolated self does sometimes feel the need to be a part of something larger than myself.

Ok. Time for bed. I am sounding rather dreary.  Hopefully a good night of sleep without coughing (crossing my fingers) will snap me out of it.  

Oh and I need to change the channel. I had it on OPB, but now there is a concert of mostly secular Christmas music on.  Santa Claus is even on stage.  Full choir and orchestra.   It is really annoying me.  Maybe that is why I did not enjoy the homeless concert tonight as much as usual. We played, "Frosty the Snowman", "Silver Bells", "Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow"...and more!  Aack!

I apologize if this offends anyone. But do not enjoy hearing these tunes. I enjoy playing them even less! 

THERE! I said it!

I can't find my remote, so I need to get up and change the channel before I hurl!

Talk to you tomorrow (Hopefully in a better mood! SORRY!)

Love,

Zita

P.S. As I got up to change the channel on the television, the choir sang a lovely, contemplative arrangement of "The First Noel".  And then "O Holy Night".  I suddenly lost my attitude.  Tears welled up. I got very still and realized yet again, that it is not Christmas that annoys me. It is the commercialism.  I think it will be good for me to spend Christmas day alone. But I plan on finding a nice church service to go to first. To focus on what it really means to me.  

I need not only an attitude, but a SOUL adjustment!

Ok. Now I'm really going to bed. But I do feel better. :)


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