There I was.
Waiting patiently for my new drink of choice from Starbucks, a grande "Citrus Defender" with one pack of honey.
Suddenly the barista called out "The Citrus Defender" in a most ominous voice. I walked up to grab my drinking and she was giggling.
"I love the name of that drink", she said. "It sounds like so...courageous!"
"Yes! I said. "Like a super hero!"
We both chuckled.
But I sat and contemplated as I sipped. These little random encounters that I have do not seem random or coincidental. They all seem to be missing pieces in this big puzzle that I call life.
I actually do sometimes feel like a super hero. On my good days.
Earlier this morning and last night, I was feeling rather down. Worried about my family member in crisis. And feeling quite helpless in my role to help him. Deep down, what I want to do is save him.
Like a super hero!
But what I've done for the past several years has really been more like a super enabler.
I have a deep love for him, but I have always worried about him. Mostly his choices that lead to sometimes disastrous consequences. He does not usually take my advice. More often, he shrieks "help!" after the walls come crumbling down. I do what I can to help him survive.
But we want our loved ones to do more than just survive. We want them to thrive. Right?
Many years ago, when my kids were teenagers, I had a friend who I did music with. She confided in my that her oldest son had an addiction to a very dangerous drug. Later, when I suspected substance abuse with my son, I called her.
Her advice was to "Just keep him alive".
We have lost touch. I think about her now and then and wonder if her son has recovered. Is he thriving, or merely surviving? I pray he is still alive and doing well.
I feel like I have been treading water for a very long time. I have moments of exquisite joy every day, but until this family member is thriving, I will always have a hole in my chest. A deep, dark hole that threatens to suck the joy out of my soul.
Sorry to be so morbid. But if you have watched a love one struggle with any kind of addiction, you understand. I suspect every one of us knows someone is a slave to their addictions. It is humbling to feel so helpless.
I have a lot of time to think this weekend. Our bowling league had the day off today. So I didn't go to Vancouver. Baby Gracie had many plans with her parents. She is thriving! Sitting up, smiling, laughing out loud, learning to roll over and babbling like crazy. It is such a miracle to see this new life unfold.
My heart aches because I long to be with her. But I am wondering if my heart is aching because my the adult male family member in crisis is suffering. It is so much easier to care for a baby then to try to help an adult heal and find his way in life.
But I am putting one foot in front of the other. Like a super hero!
I do not think it was a coincidence, that the message in church seemed to be directed at me. I am so glad I dragged my weary body out of bed and made it just in time. In fact, I had enough time to stop in at the corner market. I wanted to pick up some hummus for the treat table. This market is run by a lovely Jordanian family. They have a cooler filled with some of their homemade delectables. It varies. Sometimes I find hummus or falafel. Today there was just baklava. I asked the owner if he had hummus today.
He said, "No. You like my hummus?"
I told him I LOVED his hummus! I asked him if he ever made baba ganoosh.
His face lit up. I feared I would be late to church, but I couldn't resist a lively conversation about one of my favorite Middle Eastern dips. He told me his was the best. He would find the perfect eggplant and roast it, peel the skin and then mash it with the rest of the ingredients. He even told me about a "secret ingredient" he used. I will not reveal his secret. ;)
He cheered me up. I have so many fond memories of hummus, tabouli, baba ganoosh and falafel. I dated a man of Lebanese descent when I was in college. The relationship did not last, but my love of Lebanese food will be here until the end of days! (The end of my days at least!)
I grabbed some of his sticky, sweet baklava and jogged to church. I made it just in time for the first hymn. Smiling faces greeted me as I took my place.
I do love my little church. I took out my notebook and bible as the pastor revealed that he was talking about "separation" today. Separating oneself from people who live unwholesome, ungodly lives. Not permanent separation. Not condemning or judging. But to protect ourselves. He encouraged us to pray for them, to help them see a better way, if possible, but not to let ourselves sink down into the pit with them.
I sat there with pen poised in the air. Mouth open. I had goosebumps on my arms as I took notes and looked up passages in my bible.
I have much to ponder. I will be pondering and studying until the end of days (the end of my days at least).
I hope I can make a difference in his life. But first, I need to continue to work on my own life. On keep my thoughts, words and actions positive and life affirming.
I went out for lunch at one of my favorite spots. HoHo. They have a lovely $7 lunch special. Today I had lemon chicken and hot and sour soup. I took out my Joyce Meyer workbook. I finished her book The Mind Connection a few weeks ago. But I purchased the study guide to make sure I am applying what I learned. Then I intend to reread it. Several times.
It was no coincidence that the page I turned to asked us how we talk about ourself inside our minds.
I wrote: "I am tired and discouraged. I feel like I have let down my family member in crisis. I wish I had been there for him more when he was younger. I feel like a failure in some areas of my life."
Then she gave us some scripture passages to look up that depicted how GOD perceives us. The following two struck a chord with me. A very deep chord:
Psalm 139:14 New International Version (NIV)
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
1 Peter 5:7 King James Version (KJV)
"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."
I wish I could write these on my forehead in permanent marker, so that every time I look in the mirror, this is what I see.
I am feeling more peaceful as a result of the Holy Spirit moving in my life. I think I truly did need a day of rest. I didn't even do my hoop this morning. I will pick it up again tomorrow.
And tomorrow I am babsitting Baby Gracie. The light of my life.
But now, I am going to go see a movie. "The Post". Anything with Tom Hanks, is always worth the price of the ticket (and the popcorn!)
I wish you a wonderful, restful Sunday.
Talk to you tomorrow!
Love
Zita
P.S. No hooping video today. It is my day off. And I am most sore from weight lifting!
P.P.S. Even though it is my day off, I will still walk. At least 2 miles. Walking clears my mind. I need mind clearing! :)
Nice...
ReplyDelete